You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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