tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
