soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize