I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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