I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
