you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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