A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize