Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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