It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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