i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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