dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
