I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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