boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just want to make out with him forever
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
