So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
