The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
