I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
