It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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