so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
