This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
