Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
