Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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