he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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