im about as happy as oj after his trial
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
