what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
