Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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