well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
