I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
