So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Vodka?
Forever.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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