i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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