dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
