I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
