I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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