I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
