literally had 100 drinks last night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
