Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
