Someone shit on the floor
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
