I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
we're making bets on your personal life
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
