if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
this beer tastes like vomit already
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize