im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
