I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
