as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
