my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
