and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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