I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
