He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
