Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
