I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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