i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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