sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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