I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
