When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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