i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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