You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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