If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
