yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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