Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
