Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
