Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
