I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
