I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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