I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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