Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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